If you are just experiencing the physical actions, the bump and grind, the sweating and huffing and puffing, you and your partner are truly depriving yourselves of the amazing gifts that you can share when you make love versus just having sex. Sure, there can be a good release from the pressures of work and life in general if you reach climax, but the benefits of the physical act are brief compared to what can be gained from opening your heart and experiencing your intimate activity with your emotions, too. And, even if you didn’t plan on it, when you open the heart you are given the chance to connect with your Souls too.
If your relationship seems to be in a good place except you feel like your sex life is suffering a bit, then bringing the following suggestions into your love life can greatly enhance the lovemaking and move your good emotional relationship to a deeper level. If you are emotionally disconnected from your lover, then the following tips may be a start to reconnecting, but there may be much more work that needs to be done. There is no magic cure. Yes, there are love potions and spells and you can absolutely learn to direct your sexual energy towards manifesting all that you want in your life. But, it is vitally important that you understand that our closest relationships are opportunities for personal growth as well as spiritual growth
Quality vs. QuantityBeing physically intimate with your lover can transform your life physically, emotionally, mentally, and spiritually. When you enjoy great lovemaking you receive fantastic benefits. And, though we suggest you make love at least two to three times a week that may not fit into your lifestyle. What is even more important is the quality of each lovemaking session. Jumping between the sheets and bouncing up and down for five minutes to make sure you do it often enough will, in our opinion, bring more negative energy into your relationship than the closeness and deep bond most people desire. Take into account the rest of the suggestions in this article and make more love.
Let Down Your GuardBecoming naked with another person and allowing yourself to let go and reach climax let alone experience multiple orgasms makes you vulnerable. Few people realize there is great power in understanding and opening to your vulnerability. When you allow yourself to be truly vulnerable with your loving partner you can reach much higher states of erotic ecstasy. The fact is that at some point in your physical intimacy not only you, but your sweetheart has or will encounter the sense of being vulnerable. We highly suggest that you let your guard down with one another. Trust in each other and open to the possibilities of what that can offer the two of you. As we mentioned above this does not necessarily just happen because you want it to. There is no off/on switch. You need to have good, loving, open communication with your partner and you need to create a safe and sacred space to make love. Letting your guard down emotionally with one another outside the bedroom will increase your chances of doing so within your lovemaking.
Let Go of ExpectationsConsider what you want out of your sex life with your partner. What do you expect to happen when the two of you get physical? Once you have sat with this question and pondered it and believe you have a pretty good idea of what you expect, we want you to let those expectations go. What your body wants, what your Soul seeks, how easily sexual energy will flow through you is not the same day after day. This is true for your lover as well. Therefore, having certain expectations going in can leave you seriously disappointed when the physical act is over. Do not make it your lover’s responsibility to pleasure you. Instead, take responsibility for your own pleasure while also holding yourself responsible for doing your best to bring your lover pleasure. Communication is key here too. Be aware of what is happening in the moment and respond to that for yourself and for your sweetheart.
Be PlayfulBring laughter and teasing and silliness into your relationship – inside and outside of your bedroom. Joke around, allow your goofy little inner child to come out and play, forget the pressures of life for a bit, and share the special bond of friendship with your lover. You can even change your wording around sex. Instead of calling it “sex” or “lovemaking” or any number of other things from “doing the nasty” to “getting busy” call this fun and special time “intimate play”. You don’t always have to call it that, but changing the wording now and again offers you a different view of it and a chance to honor this time together and a chance to express your love in a unique way.
Input = OutputWhen you tap certain letters on your keyboard you probably expect certain words to show up on the screen. Of course, there are often times when you need to backspace and correct a typo. Why is that? Well, because what you typed in is what is going to show up. The knowledge you have, the skill you have in typing and spelling and grammar is going to dictate what happens upon your screen. Well, guess what? You can only offer the amount of love and compassion and excitement for your lover that you already have for yourself. This is a big concept for a lot of people, but it is true. If you don’t feel worthy of love or pleasure, if you don’t have compassion for yourself, or if you don’t have a sense of excitement around your own life, then you cannot offer these things to your lover. At least, not beyond the depth of which you can do for yourself. This final suggestion to making move love and moving past just having sex means you have to start with yourself. How much do you love yourself? (Emotionally – this is not about masturbation, though that is another suggestion for another time.) Can you feel compassion for you when you make mistakes, when you are suffering, when you look at your faults? Are you aware of your unique abilities and the great gifts you have to share with the world? Can you be excited about whom you are and what you have to give? Loving yourself more fully opens the door to loving your partner more fully and this will show up in your lovemaking and when you turn it into intimate play.
Recognize that making more love isn’t just about foreplay, sex toys, oral sex or intercourse. It is about touching your lover’s arm or back when you are in the kitchen or in public. It is about holding hands like you likely did when you first dated. It is about eye contact. There is a great deal of communication that the two of you can share without ever uttering a word during the normal day-‐to-‐day activities. Making love is about sharing a journey – the journey of your lives as well as the possible unique spiritual journey you may experience while engaging in your sexual activity. You can honor each other during lovemaking – it is important that you do, but you can also honor each other and your partnership in an infinite number of ways that have nothing to do with sex. (*And, this will most likely not only deepen the quality, but it will likely increase the quantity, too!)
Dr. Janelle Alex, Ph.D.
Rob Alex, M.Sc.
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